Sunday, December 20, 2009

Top 10 Ways to Get Rid of a Crackhead...

Living in a major city has its advantages and disadvantages... Well, just the other day, I was approached by a Crackhead in Walgreens & was very politely asked if I was Miss Universe...DISADVANTAGE!

Needless to say, I was horrified, repulsed & strangely fascinated all at the same time. First, I calmly looked around to see if I may be in the process of being PUNKED by locals and then I tightened up & got ready for a rough exchange...

I looked into his shriveled, cranberry eyes & got to work:

TOP 10 WAYS TO GET RID OF A CRACKHEAD:

10. Sir, "Como se llama"?
-When I have no where to go, I always revert back to my self-made bilingualism. I speak 4 Fake/real languages (Spanish , of course, Italian, French, & Ebonics- my favorite!)

9. Yell..."SECURITY"...& wait for the fallout...
-It's nothing like witnessing the "Crackhead Shuffle"....

8. Beat the Crackhead to the punch..."Sir, I'm hungry...can you spare $10?"
- you gotta ask for a lot more than they would, then they can relate to HARD TIMES...although, this may get you cussed. Use this one at your own risk!

7. Ask to borrow a personal item, i.e., cell phone, car, skateboard, iPod, etc...
-Being that he/she is a Crackhead, he/she should have sold all personal belongings & the sheer confusion of having the audacity to ask to borrow the personal item SHOULD cause the "Crackhead Shuffle"....OR another cussing...

6. Ask the Crackhead if he has the money that he owes you...
-"Crackhead Shuffle"

5. Ask to see his license and start asking "PoPo-like" questions.
-If you have a work ID, this is helpful. Flashing it quick will not allow his shriveled, cranberry eyes to be able to focus fast enough to realize that it's as phony as the "PoPo-like" questions.


4. Tell him that we've been instructed to evacuate the city immediately because Hurricane Hennessy-Ray is on its way. AND THEN RUN.

3. HOLD UP A MIRROR.
-Cussing...

2. Ask the Crackhead if he knows Jesus... then break into Mahalia Jackson's version of AMAZING GRACE while trying to distribute the handouts from the Jehovah Witness' that woke you up that morning & you had to put a cussing on.
- Being that not too many people can pull this off, it should really scare the shit out of the Crackhead, hence..."Crackhead Shuffle"

...and the #1 Way to Get Rid of a Crackhead...

1. ASK HIM FOR SOME OF HIS CRACK!
- "Crackhead Shuffle"...Fade...cut...SCENE!

Now, I'm not guaranteeing any of these Crackhead-deflectors but they are POWERFUL & you are using them at YOUR OWN RISK!!!

I hope you find one that is suitable for your situation &/or encounter. They may also be used to deflect LOSERS & TRIBAL MEN...


PS...Always remember, "Don't Blame it on the SUNSHINE...Blame it on the Boogie!"



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