THE DATING CHRONICLES- A Chapter

Let me begin with, THIS IS GOING TO GET A LITTLE NASTY...

The Dating Game has emerged in this new digital, high-speed arena with loosey-goosey players that have no rules and/or scruples.  You enter The Twilight Zone with pie-in-the-sky dreams: Fresh, Optimistic, Willing, Determined and SOMETIMES, Innocent.  What happens next can only be described as a Box of Chocolates.

Soooooo... you meet online.  He likes you, you say, eh... why not.  You both get to typing, then talking, and eventually meeting.  All is honkey dory.  As an educated, free-spirited, fast-talking gal, things are said upfront.  Expectations, likes/dislikes, dreams/aspirations, etc., etc., etc...  Eyes meet, gestures made, affirmations and  agreements accomplished.  So, it’s all good... ya think.

Well, it’s really not.  In the Real World, there are hidden agendas.  Although I don’t think one is ever really privy to all the covert missions that exist, one does begin to peep the Real Story as time goes by. 

BEWARE OF:

• A RETARDED COMMINICATOR- This is that person that can not function within normal social norms like returning phone calls, answering basic questions, The Hider vs. Provider of solutions.  You don’t want this in your life.  You find yourself constantly seeking answers and tiptoeing around The Retard trying to slickly undercover clues and solve puzzles

• HOUDINI- Now he’s here, POOF, & NOW HE’S NOT.  This is the most obvious of clues that you should run... & FAST!  Who wants to be with someone that’s like a Human Shell Game?

• LIMP DICK LARRY-  Enough said

• THE A-SEXUAL-  ... Limp Dick Larry

• THE ADAMS FAMILY-  When you are trying to build a sound, strong future, it’s imperative that you dip into your partner’s “soup”. See what ingredients existed to prepare his/her dish.  When you run up on some intelligently WEIRD, rude, and self-centered folks, I, once again suggest you RUN. Bad ingredients lead to indigestion &/or The Runs.  Both very unpleasant experiences

• BAD PARENTING PRACTICES-  The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.  When you witness overindulgence, the Blind-Eye, spoileration... Get outta there.  If The Bad Seed is a real presence in your partner’s life, you got a REAL problem on your hands, unless you, too, like to turn the other cheek.  It’s either that or prepare yourself for your own personal Game of Thrones.

• PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE WHINERS- If you are a patient soul and not easily bothered by subtle daggers shot your way, skip this.  Otherwise, be prepared to be on the front lines and to whack-a-mole WHENEVER NECESSARY

Now, every Fairytale has its own ending, just like every Fable.  As the creator and Protagonist of your story, it’s up to you to successfully create, star, and determine your own conclusion. Get rid of those villains.  Today, right now, I am still convinced that The Prince DOES still exist.

THE END.

Every Spa Treatment AIN'T Special.

Well Ladies, If you know me, you know that I believe in taking care of ME! This Monday, I scheduled a quickie "treat" thru this great coupon deal. $19 for a body scrub!!! ((Yahooooo!!)) RIGHT THERE...I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. Well, I showed up at the "corner office" and was introduced to my new "friend". It was a big, white, PLASTIC BODY CAPSULE. Ummmmmm...not what I expected...ummmm, I was not pleased. The young lady/spa tech asked me to disrobe, put on some disposable thongs (ummm YUK) and lay inside the capsule. It was HORRIFIC! Cold, hard, aesthetic...not at all welcoming. What happened to the the nice warm, fuzzy, insulated blanket that the REAL SPAS cacoon you into? You know, like a pig in a blanket? Well, the spa tech proceeded to rub me down w/a rosemary oil and then the REAL torture began. *First, there was HEAT. Steam was EVERYWHERE. I could not move. I could not breathe. I COULD NOT. *Second, it was like being on a coroner's table. A hard slab. Uncompromising. Brutal. Imposing. *Third, CRICKETS. They had environmental music playing w/singing...crickets. And just when I thought it could get no worse...IT DID. After about 25 minutes of this brutality, the spa tech finally came back & shut it down. But what a SURPRISE... *LASTLY, water...COLD WATER. It was explained to me that this was necessary to close my pores. HUH? I thought I was supposed to be having ME TIME...SOME FUN. THIS WAS NOT FUN NOR RELAXING! I felt it necessary to share. A DEAL AIN'T ALWAYS A DEAL and a SPA TREATMENT AIN'T ALWAYS SPECIAL. Learn from my mistakes ladies. Read the fine print. Know your establishment. Understand your TREATS. DON'T FALL PREY TO WAITING DISASTERS. PS...Always remember, "Don't Blame it on the SUNSHINE, Blame it on the Boogie!"

Where Is the PANACHE?

Where is the PANACHE?

PANACHE: n. An impressive way of doing something that shows great skill & confidence.

TAGLINE: African-American, divorced, middle-aged, educated, single-mom.

That's my story in a nutshell.

I've been at this game (dating) for a minute, or two, and I have a very important question to ask. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO PANACHE? Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. Remember the Billy Ds, Teddy Ps, Denzels...of yesterday? Why have our men ditched the cool, suave, classy styles that made The Ladies feel like a million bucks with a single line, smile, or caress?

Let me tell you, this ish that I've encountered over the past couple of years has been ASTOUNDING. I think to myself..”Does this ISH really work?” Apparently... it does.

This is what I've heard and experienced:

• 
  

  The Upfront, Straight-up Dude- “Look, you wanna f**k or not?”

  
  

  LAMEASS JUSTIFICATION: He is being totally honest with you about what he can offer sooooo that makes it okay, You can take his ish or leave it. He ain't pressed.



• 
  

  The Married Dude- “Let's Do This”

  
  

  LAMEASS JUSTIFICATION: He is not happy in his committed relationship and has a family. Why should he suffer when he can give happiness to so many others. He can make it work. It's a win-win! He gets sex, you get sex. No commitments, just FUN!



• 
  

  The Help Me, Help Me Dude- “I need a good woman by my side.”

  
  

  LAMEASS JUSTIFICATION: WE can support each other while he plays with himself and dreams about the moon and the stars. He supplies sex and potential and she supplies, well, shit, EVERYTHING ELSE.



• 
  

  The We Boos Dude- “You are my woman.” But you ain't.

  
  

  LAMEASS JUSTIFICATION: Although you are his “only” Boo... He ain't calling. He ain't dating. He AIN'T. Just one day, out of the blue, “Hey, I miss you Boo. I wanna see you.” LOL...no words,,,

Now, I'm not bitter, just a bit...TAKEN ABACK. With parents that have been married for 51 years and knowing first hand how a lady likes to be treated, I ask again, WHERE IS THE PANACHE? All I'm saying is, Fellas, let's bring some class to the table, when you looking for that ass. THE MESSAGE IS IN THE DELIVERY. Any Lady worth her salt will take care of her man, or significant other, or whatever you want to call it, if she feels he is worth the effort. Put. Forth. The. Effort. Or the message is LOUD & CLEAR.

REVISED TAGLINE: African-American, divorced, middle-aged, educated, single-mom. Ain't taking ish, ain't giving ish. AIN'T LOOKING FOR ISH.

PS...Always remember, "Don't Blame it on the SUNSHINE, Blame it on the Boogie!"

GOOD DAY!

2010: The Year of The HumDrum Flicks...kinda sorta...

2010: The Year of HumDrum Flicks...Kinda, Sorta...
Lackluster Lights, Cameras, & Action…

2010 was NOT a blockbuster year for movies but, there were a few goodies and “Honorable Mentions” that I would like to share with you. Hopefully, you will find my choices useful and an added delight to your list of must-sees on a cool winter’s night or “it-ain’t-shit-else-to-do” evening.

Here goes…

10. FLIPPED











A delightful coming-of-age tale created to tickle your sweet memories of love when it was cute and innocent. Quite refreshing and honest.

9. THE TOWN

I KNOW that I’ve seen this plot before either through Set It Off , Takers, or Heat but it was still a worthy effort by Afflect. Not as edgy as it could have been, but decent.

8. BURIED

Took me back to Cast Away with the “one-man-show” & a wicked twist. Interesting modern day thriller worth a peek-a-boo if you have PATIENCE.

7. SOCIAL NETWORK

Didn’t think I would enjoy this but surprisingly, it was pretty good. I walked in thinking I would see some good old fashioned spying and espionage but only found a socially repressed genius that stumbled on a social gold mine. Now isn’t that IRONIC?

6. SCOTT PILGRIM vs. THE WORLD

I LOVE Michael Cera. Nerdy swag RULES!

5. DEVIL

Great comeback by M. Night Shyamalan (thank God he didn’t direct this one!). Eerie at best, but definitely a message/story to be told. Good to see Bokeem back on the big screen. Just remember, there are no coincidences…

4. THE KING’S SPEECH

Let me first admit that I am QUITE partial to British flicks AND Colin Firth AND Geoffrey Rush. With that said, I also add that this very well acted and noble portrayal of king George VI and his struggle with a stu-stu-STUTTER was DELIGHTFULLY RICH. Loved the warmth & honesty sprinkled with a few chuckle moments.

3. LET ME IN

It’s the Year of the Vampire…again! Dark, brooding, & disturbing. How easy it is to fall prey when you are being preyed upon. Innocence lost, dreams deferred… definitely worth checking out if you have a penchant for the raw and freakish.

2. WARRIOR’S WAY

This year’s SHOCKER! This movie was supposed to be a “filler” for me but I was absolutely captivated by Jang Dong-gun!!! When the Wild-Wild West meets Ninja Power, and very unlikely heroes, comedic mayhem and bloody action take place. KUDOS to director Sngmoo Lee for creating this refreshingly gorgeous piece!

FINALLY…(AND I KNOW I’M GOING TO RECEIVE A LOT OF FLIP-FLAP & MOUTHING OFF FOR THIS BUT… THIS IS MY SHOW! )

MY #1 MOVIE OF 2010 IS…

1. SPLICE

This movie was so twisted and bizarre that I couldn’t help but be captivated by its uniqueness. Taking a page from Species, SPLICE pushes the envelop! Great special effects and make-up, strong cast and performances, and just DAMNED WEIRD! I had several YUK moments and the ending bout took me out the game…but that’s what I live for in a movie! Definitely a breath of fresh SCI-FI air!


Although I have restricted my list to the Top 10, I do have a few “Honorable Mentions” that I felt I would be remiss in not mentioning (in no specific order)…

* Lovely Bones
* For Colored Girls Who

*Going the Distance
*City Island
*Iron Man 2
*The Killer Inside Me

I hope you have enjoyed this VERY brief list and that you have the opportunity to check out some, if not all, of these flicks. I think you will enjoy EACH and EVERY ONE of them!

This is YOUR Roving Movie Reporter…Your chick checking out ALL the flicks! Toodles!!!

I Know How to... WORK. IT. OUT!

MUSIC can really be an inspiration. I have been on a walking program for the past year, on and off, and what has always been a constant motivator for me is my iPod...LOADED!

As a result, I have decided to share my latest, & greatest PLAYLIST. Now, get ready because it is FRESH, KRUMPED, FAST-PACED, RAUNCHY, & F-U-N-K-Y!!! It ain't for the weak-at-heart (& sanctimonious)!!!

LORIANN'S WALKING

JUKE-JOINT PLAYLIST:

♥Track 1: WHO DAT (Dirty) by J. Cole:

You gotta get your GAME FACE on and push off with an "I mean business" start. J. Cole has produce a Tru Dat, Who Dat hit! It's one of my Top 100 favorites! It gets me in the mood to get my heart pumping at a GANGSTA pace.

♥Track 2: MASSIVE ATTACK by Nicki Manaj

Oooohhhh...this B.B. (Black Barbie, LOL) is FIERCE, not Sasha Fierce, but juicy fierce. The beat to this song energizes and jolts me into movement EVERYTIME!!!

♥Track 3: GRINDIN' (Dirty) by Clispe

The "thump" is marvelous! As you contemplate your route and distance, this song puts you back on target to GRIND towards the finish line. "I'm your pusher..."

♥Track 4: ELECTRIC TWIST by A Fine Frenzy

This group is not mainstream but I love 'em!!! By the time this song hits me, I'm a bit winded (and angry) and in real need of a fun, pick-me-up ditty. Electric Twist is cotton candy & perk-i-licious!

♥Track 5: GET ME BODIED (Extended Mix) by Beyonce

Bey reminds me that looking the part of Diva requires work...hard work...and when I'm getting my "Naomi Campbell walk" on, bizness is being taken care of! I AM GETTING ME BODIED!

♥Track 6: TEACH ME HOW TO DOUGIE (Dirty) by California Sway District

I'm slowing it down now, but still feeling motivated. This song brings out the playfulness in me. Silly-joy, ring-around-the-rosie-joy! I am so amazed at how simple some of the songs are today...really infantile, but the beat, rhythm is so good, it just makes you say, "oh, what the heck, I'm gonna Dougie too!"

♥Track 7: OMG (Extended Mix) by Usher

I can see the finish line now. Usher & I have an understanding. He's gonna "let it burn" & I'm going to OMG myself right down to a size 6. I'm DETERMINED! Sidebar...Have you seen the video for OMG? Will.i.am has on some really TIGHT pants. Hmmmm...

♥Track 8: ON TO THE NEXT ONE! by JayZ

How a propos! What better way to say, "It's a wrap!"?

I don't know if any of this helps you, but it surely helps me! The two-mile, 35 minute journey is one that I use to make "it" happen. "It" being Self-improvement, Self-discovery, & turning something that I absolutely DESPISE (exercising) into a tolerable, sometimes even invigorating, experience. So, what's your playlist like?

How do YOU GO TO WORK?!?!?!

Another One BITES the Dust!

Okay, so I'm a little embarassed but I'm going to say it:

I AM A TWILIGHT MOM.

There. It's out...sighhhh...

I just can't seem to get enough of this latest teen phenomenon. Team Edward, Team Jacob, Team EVERYBODY!!! I just love 'em all!!!

You know, it all started so innocently. Maybe due to my early fascination with vampires and the sensational magic and mysticism of "glamorizing". Remember pale-faced Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise in Interview with a Vampire. Or maybe Gary Oldman's portrayal of Dracula in Brahm Stoker's epic classic? OMG... Loved them!!!

Trust me when I say I feel nothing "cougarish" in the young bucks that are rendering teens and their moms all over the world THIRSTY for more BUT...it's the sugary romanticism that Stephanie Myers has woven (not coven...well, maybe) to make such a vile and evil myth come alive with such innocence, simplicity and pure fluff that has captivated me through and through. It is FANG-A-LICIOUS!

To appease myself, just a bit, in feeling better about how I am flitting about with my TEAM EDWARD shirt on, I've decided that it's okay to "wanna get away".

The Twilight Saga gives us the opporutnity to transport ourselves to another place, time, and REALITY. It gives us a chance to believe that all monsters don't HAVE to be monsters. Awwww... forget about the weak chick with no self-confidence, finesse, & loose morals. In the end, the chick grows up, gets her man, and grows a pair. END OF STORY (& get over it, tight-lippers).

Of course, Twilight is no Lord of the Rings, Pretty Woman, or 16 Candles, but it holds its own. There is a place for it in the Cinema Hall of Fame. And to all of those who haven't jumped on the band wagon yet, this is what I have to say...

BITE ME.

PS...Always remember, "Don't Blame it on the SUNSHINE, Blame it on the Boogie!"

It's Been a While...

And so...

"A day, or two, or three...no matter the amount of time which passes, in the grand scheme of things...it's just a moment in time." - Loriann

Been thinking a lot about CHANGE. Not "Obama Change" (you know, like changing the world) but a PERSONAL CHANGE.

As seasons pass, we evolve. But, do we ever take the time to do a personal "Spring Cleaning" of our intimate lives? Where we take stock of the conditions of our souls, happiness, minds, states, homes, decisions...? Take time to...Reflect? Take time to...Cleanse? Take time to...RENEW?

Well, I've arrived... IT'S SPRING TIME!!! I've done some cleansing, with a little more in store, & now, it's time to rebuild, renew, and RECHARGE!

I invite you to embark on your own personal journey. Take the time to evaluate all that is important and get rid of those insignificant nuainces that sap your juice, negate your energy, rain on your parade. Today is the greatest day in the world! But tomorrow, OMG, is sooooo much better!

There are those out there who have so much to offer and yet they sit on the sidelines, watching the show, critizing, adding nothing but malice. Don't be that person and don't let that person be a part of your world. There's a place and a time for it all. I got jokes, you got jokes, but at the end of the day...IT'S ALL A VERY SERIOUS MATTER. Treat it as such.

Listen to your heart, tell someone you love them, forgive (if you know me, I know you're LOLing), just BE ALL THAT YOU CAN BE!!! I'm turning a corner (I can feel it), leaving some behind, and not looking in that rear-view mirror. I have a few stops to make along the way but...the coast is clear!

And so...

Now I know that brighter days are on the horizons.

Surely, it all begins with the "Master Plan". You gotta have that "Master Plan" to give you the inspiration, motivation, & Kick-Ass MOJO that's going to keep you on the straight and narrow. Mind over body, cool over fools, and faking it till you make it BABY! Remember...IT'S SPRING TIME! Get to cleaning DAMN IT!!!



THIS IS: DAY 1... (whewwww...)

PS...Always remember, "Don't Blame it on the SUNSHINE, Blame it on the Boogie!"