Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Every Spa Treatment AIN'T Special.

Well Ladies, If you know me, you know that I believe in taking care of ME! This Monday, I scheduled a quickie "treat" thru this great coupon deal. $19 for a body scrub!!! ((Yahooooo!!)) RIGHT THERE...I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. Well, I showed up at the "corner office" and was introduced to my new "friend". It was a big, white, PLASTIC BODY CAPSULE. Ummmmmm...not what I expected...ummmm, I was not pleased. The young lady/spa tech asked me to disrobe, put on some disposable thongs (ummm YUK) and lay inside the capsule. It was HORRIFIC! Cold, hard, aesthetic...not at all welcoming. What happened to the the nice warm, fuzzy, insulated blanket that the REAL SPAS cacoon you into? You know, like a pig in a blanket? Well, the spa tech proceeded to rub me down w/a rosemary oil and then the REAL torture began. *First, there was HEAT. Steam was EVERYWHERE. I could not move. I could not breathe. I COULD NOT. *Second, it was like being on a coroner's table. A hard slab. Uncompromising. Brutal. Imposing. *Third, CRICKETS. They had environmental music playing w/singing...crickets. And just when I thought it could get no worse...IT DID. After about 25 minutes of this brutality, the spa tech finally came back & shut it down. But what a SURPRISE... *LASTLY, water...COLD WATER. It was explained to me that this was necessary to close my pores. HUH? I thought I was supposed to be having ME TIME...SOME FUN. THIS WAS NOT FUN NOR RELAXING! I felt it necessary to share. A DEAL AIN'T ALWAYS A DEAL and a SPA TREATMENT AIN'T ALWAYS SPECIAL. Learn from my mistakes ladies. Read the fine print. Know your establishment. Understand your TREATS. DON'T FALL PREY TO WAITING DISASTERS. PS...Always remember, "Don't Blame it on the SUNSHINE, Blame it on the Boogie!"

Monday, March 7, 2011

Where Is the PANACHE?

Where is the PANACHE?

PANACHE: n. An impressive way of doing something that shows great skill & confidence.

TAGLINE: African-American, divorced, middle-aged, educated, single-mom.

That's my story in a nutshell.

I've been at this game (dating) for a minute, or two, and I have a very important question to ask. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO PANACHE? Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. Remember the Billy Ds, Teddy Ps, Denzels...of yesterday? Why have our men ditched the cool, suave, classy styles that made The Ladies feel like a million bucks with a single line, smile, or caress?

Let me tell you, this ish that I've encountered over the past couple of years has been ASTOUNDING. I think to myself..”Does this ISH really work?” Apparently... it does.

This is what I've heard and experienced:

  • The Upfront, Straight-up Dude- “Look, you wanna f**k or not?”

    LAMEASS JUSTIFICATION: He is being totally honest with you about what he can offer sooooo that makes it okay, You can take his ish or leave it. He ain't pressed.

  • The Married Dude- “Let's Do This”

    LAMEASS JUSTIFICATION: He is not happy in his committed relationship and has a family. Why should he suffer when he can give happiness to so many others. He can make it work. It's a win-win! He gets sex, you get sex. No commitments, just FUN!

  • The Help Me, Help Me Dude- “I need a good woman by my side.”

    LAMEASS JUSTIFICATION: WE can support each other while he plays with himself and dreams about the moon and the stars. He supplies sex and potential and she supplies, well, shit, EVERYTHING ELSE.

  • The We Boos Dude- “You are my woman.” But you ain't.

    LAMEASS JUSTIFICATION: Although you are his “only” Boo... He ain't calling. He ain't dating. He AIN'T. Just one day, out of the blue, “Hey, I miss you Boo. I wanna see you.” LOL...no words,,,

Now, I'm not bitter, just a bit...TAKEN ABACK. With parents that have been married for 51 years and knowing first hand how a lady likes to be treated, I ask again, WHERE IS THE PANACHE? All I'm saying is, Fellas, let's bring some class to the table, when you looking for that ass. THE MESSAGE IS IN THE DELIVERY. Any Lady worth her salt will take care of her man, or significant other, or whatever you want to call it, if she feels he is worth the effort. Put. Forth. The. Effort. Or the message is LOUD & CLEAR.

REVISED TAGLINE: African-American, divorced, middle-aged, educated, single-mom. Ain't taking ish, ain't giving ish. AIN'T LOOKING FOR ISH.

PS...Always remember, "Don't Blame it on the SUNSHINE, Blame it on the Boogie!"


Friday, February 25, 2011

2010: The Year of The HumDrum Flicks...kinda sorta...

2010: The Year of HumDrum Flicks...Kinda, Sorta...
Lackluster Lights, Cameras, & Action…

2010 was NOT a blockbuster year for movies but, there were a few goodies and “Honorable Mentions” that I would like to share with you. Hopefully, you will find my choices useful and an added delight to your list of must-sees on a cool winter’s night or “it-ain’t-shit-else-to-do” evening.

Here goes…


A delightful coming-of-age tale created to tickle your sweet memories of love when it was cute and innocent. Quite refreshing and honest.


I KNOW that I’ve seen this plot before either through Set It Off , Takers, or Heat but it was still a worthy effort by Afflect. Not as edgy as it could have been, but decent.


Took me back to Cast Away with the “one-man-show” & a wicked twist. Interesting modern day thriller worth a peek-a-boo if you have PATIENCE.


Didn’t think I would enjoy this but surprisingly, it was pretty good. I walked in thinking I would see some good old fashioned spying and espionage but only found a socially repressed genius that stumbled on a social gold mine. Now isn’t that IRONIC?


I LOVE Michael Cera. Nerdy swag RULES!


Great comeback by M. Night Shyamalan (thank God he didn’t direct this one!). Eerie at best, but definitely a message/story to be told. Good to see Bokeem back on the big screen. Just remember, there are no coincidences…


Let me first admit that I am QUITE partial to British flicks AND Colin Firth AND Geoffrey Rush. With that said, I also add that this very well acted and noble portrayal of king George VI and his struggle with a stu-stu-STUTTER was DELIGHTFULLY RICH. Loved the warmth & honesty sprinkled with a few chuckle moments.


It’s the Year of the Vampire…again! Dark, brooding, & disturbing. How easy it is to fall prey when you are being preyed upon. Innocence lost, dreams deferred… definitely worth checking out if you have a penchant for the raw and freakish.


This year’s SHOCKER! This movie was supposed to be a “filler” for me but I was absolutely captivated by Jang Dong-gun!!! When the Wild-Wild West meets Ninja Power, and very unlikely heroes, comedic mayhem and bloody action take place. KUDOS to director Sngmoo Lee for creating this refreshingly gorgeous piece!


MY #1 MOVIE OF 2010 IS…


This movie was so twisted and bizarre that I couldn’t help but be captivated by its uniqueness. Taking a page from Species, SPLICE pushes the envelop! Great special effects and make-up, strong cast and performances, and just DAMNED WEIRD! I had several YUK moments and the ending bout took me out the game…but that’s what I live for in a movie! Definitely a breath of fresh SCI-FI air!

Although I have restricted my list to the Top 10, I do have a few “Honorable Mentions” that I felt I would be remiss in not mentioning (in no specific order)…

Lovely Bones
* For Colored Girls Who

*Going the Distance
*City Island
*Iron Man 2
*The Killer Inside Me

I hope you have enjoyed this VERY brief list and that you have the opportunity to check out some, if not all, of these flicks. I think you will enjoy EACH and EVERY ONE of them!

This is YOUR Roving Movie Reporter…Your chick checking out ALL the flicks! Toodles!!!